Who Would Bully a Baby?

Submitted by Kellie

While I have always been aware that children are more than just tiny
adults, I have always valued my children and respected them as much as
I respect other adults.  But I have often noticed that many adults do
not treat children in a way that they would treat other adults.  Many
adults bully children - usually without even thinking about it -
simply because the adults feel that they have a right to say what they
please to children.

This tendency is one of the core types of bullying that I see happen
to my children.

Let me elaborate by giving a few examples.

1.  When out in public, people love to come coo over my children.
They go on and on about how wonderful and sweet the children are - and
then offer to take them off my hands for me.  Because, ya know, this
is funny.  When I, as politely as possible, refuse their kind offer
they like to tell me, "You just wait until she's two (or 4, 6, 13, 17)
and you'll be begging me to take her!"  Yes, I have actually had this
conversation, not once, but many times.  Really?  Because my child is
going to go through an appropriate and predictable human stage of
development, I will no longer love or want her?  I call these people
kitten people.  They are the type of people who buy cute kittens and
then toss them out of car windows in the country when they grow into
pesky adult cats.

2.  At Christmas time this past year, I was at the grocery store with
my kids.  We were 600 miles from home, had spent days in a car
travelling, spent hours running errands, and we were running late for
making dinner.  My 3 year old son was over the entire ordeal - as he
well should be.  He wasn't handling the line well, and wasn't
listening to my repeated attempts to get him to settle down and leave
things alone so my husband could pay for the groceries.  I looked over
at him and said, "Walter, if you can't settle down, we are going to
have to go to the van."  He looked at me, and stopped whatever it was
he was doing, but didn't say anything.  However, the girl bagging the
groceries felt the need to hop on the shaming bandwagon and said to
him, "And we all know what happens in the van!"  I rolled my eyes,
because he would not have been getting the spanking which was the
implication of her statement, but didn't feel the need to get into it
with her, since Walter didn't even know what she was talking about.
But when she followed it up with, "And we all know what comes next!
NO CHRISTMAS!!!"  I was sure to tell Walter, very clearly and in front
of her that he would ABSOLUTELY BE GETTING CHRISTMAS.

3.  A little over a month ago, my children and I were at the grocery
store; we go there a lot.  Anyway, we had been visiting with my mom
and then running other errands that needed to be done that day, and
the baby had simply not gotten a good nap in between all of the in and
out of the car.  He was exhausted, and asking to take a nap in the
only way little babies can - by crying.  But, because I have been
responsive to him his entire life, he doesn't launch immediately into
the, "I shall perish immediately if no one comes to rescue me!  Help!
Help!" cry.  He starts by complaining - just like most people.  He had
clearly made his needs known, and I had not been able to meet them.
He started to complain, and still, I had to get one more thing and get
through the check-out.  He was beginning to get more persistent in his
request when I was paying for the groceries.  And the cashier began
talking to him.  Hey, sometimes distraction is what a mama needs to
get through with her chores so she can help that baby out!  I'm all
for it!  Except that when the cashier spoke to the baby and he
responded by smiling at her, she decided that he was "fake crying" to
"get attention".  Yes.  Because infants often ask for unneeded
attention just to make life harder for their parents.  Or not.  But,
the kicker for me was that the cashier stood there and taunted my
baby, to his tiny face, that he was a faker and that was the fakest
cry that she had ever seen.  And then urged my older children to join

in with her, taunting him and calling him names.

What are these taunts at our children if not bullying?  Are they
funny?  Is it funny to make fun of my child, telling her to her face
that I will no longer love and want her when she is older?  This isn't
funny to a child.  Is it funny that any adult anywhere is allowed to
assess 30 seconds of my child's behavior and attempt to discipline
that child for me?  Especially in my direct presence?  And especially
by threatening my child with the loss of a precious and much
anticipated event?  And the final example I listed (because I could go
on - there are dozens more), is it funny that not only did an adult
who did not know my children attempt to discipline my baby (yes, that
is exactly the correct word) by belittling him into not crying, but
she also encouraged my older children to be mean to their baby brother
and call him a faker and other rude things?

Obviously, no.  None of these examples is funny.  Nor are they
"helpful", as some would point out that the people are just trying to
be helpful by calming my children down.  Nor are they appropriate.

These are all examples of adults using rankism to attempt to
manipulate young children and babies and to bully them.  Many adults
do not see this behavior as bullying.  They wouldn't label it as
bullying - perhaps teasing, but not bullying.  But teasing is truly a
form of bullying, in itself.  It is only playful if the other party is

playing too.  And being rude, calling names, and trying to manipulate
the feelings of others should really never be done, as it isn't
healthy for people of any age to be treated like that.

One way to assess whether a situation with children is bullying or not
is to simply take the example and apply it to an adult.  Would an
adult say to newlyweds, "Oh, brides are lovely!  I'll take her!" and
then follow it up with, "Well, you just wait until she's fat and
pregnant and hormonal and you'll be begging me to take her!"  Would

the bagger have said to me, in the same example if I had lost my

temper, "You better get it together, or no one will give you Christmas

gifts!"  Would the cashier have said to me, if I had completely worn

out in her line and began to cry because I was so tired and was being
dragged from store to store, "Oh, you are such a faker!  Why are you
crying, Faker?  Kids, call Mommy a Faker!"  Most people would agree
that most adults would not act this way to another adult.

Children are born with a complete set of emotions.  They may not be
able to label them all, but they can feel all the same feelings as
adults.  If we, as adults, treat our children (and all children) with
respect, we will be making am excellent first step toward eradicating
bullying behavior in our society

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Kellie is Mama to 3 lovely children, has been an environmentalist all
her life, crafting as long as anyone can remember, and getting greener
every day. She enjoys sharing her knowledge with people and loves
seeing people put small steps into practice that make their lives more
full, rich, and happy. She blogs at http://ourmindfullife.blogspot.com

Why do you think adults will say things to kids that they would not say to other adults? Have you ever felt your child being treated in this way by an adult? If so, how did you handle it?